I think I've always struggled with the idea of "home".
I never wanted to give into the repetitive lifestyle of a secure place.
But what if you can't figure out where the heart wants to be ? Or what it wants ?
Everything's changing. In ways I was never prepared for.
1. My best friend might be moving. And I never realized how much I need her until now.
2. Lifetime best friend feels like she's only using me to get to this guy. We lost the closeness we had before.
3. College apps are a drag. APU called today, just to tell me how they got my application but none of the forms from other people. Great.
4. My computer has gone well, caput. I swear the entire thing is a virus. My dad's been trying to fix it for the past week with no avail. And truthfully I don't think I care if he ever fixes it. As long as I can get to my itunes, I'm fine.
5. School. I don't see school as something important anymore. Sure college apps are important but school? My schedule's a joke. I could probably miss a month of school and manage to get decent grades.
6. "I've lost all that I wanted to be." That statement could not be more true. As I'm applying for college apps I realize that my dreams, my aspirations, mean absolutely nothing. I'd be a fool to try to follow my dream job.
7. Everyone's been annoying me lately. Even people who's company I enjoy. I've spent the past week of freetime reading the Twilight series. Making plans for the future with friends has barely crossed my mind. And it scares me how I don't even care anymore.
8. I never realize I was the "go-to" person. So many people have told me their problems lately. Not that I mind, I just don't have the words to help them. And I feel horrible for it. I think I just find it hard to express my emotions.
9. "This town doesn't look the same tonight." After the SATs, I could have chosen to gone anywhere. I ended up opting to drive to West Covina for no reason. Usually, I would have jumped at the chance to go to Downtown LA or some other form of a "downtown" city. Have I really lost interest in all that's urban?
10. Life's changing too fast for me. I've given in to the loss. I don't think I care anymore.
And that scares me.
Oh, and I've finally lost him. It took six years, but it's finally over.
dheng. i've been brutally honest. and don't think i've written this for your pity.
